this weekend

fear of who knows what

eye contact

seeing the smile on your sweet face

that mirrors mine

those expressions that only i see

and only i know what they mean

i love to hug you

and see that impish grin

as you slyly and shyly look away

i dont know why it scares me so

perhaps because i love you so much

and dont get to hold you close

as often as id like

see you grow

develop into the precious boy that you are

i guess im jealous

of those who do

and wish i could more.

miss baggins

somewhere in all this

i stopped trusting

shutting down

constructing stone walls

closing up

letting in enough

to pass for the social norm

to keep the populace happy

make people feel like they know me

unfortunately,

i have closed up

so that even i cant feel anymore

too scared

of pain and loss

of losing one more person

that it might be the last straw

push me over the edge

break my heart into too many pieces

impossible to fix

i cant do it anymore

ive reached maximum capacity

and so im done

i have to be honest

get it over with

and rid myself of this burden.

full moon

im not the same 

same as i ever was

underneath the new outer layers

that have been a year and some months in the making

is even more 

more than even i knew

i heard someone say today,

"give of yourself to better other others."

and all i could see

or hear

was what my life could be

not for me

or my betterment

but what better way to live

than to give it up

all of what i want

and live only to be of service

what better fulfillment

than to dedicate all that i am

all that God has created and developed me to be

giving to those less fortunate than i

to see the looks on their faces

the wonderment

the joy of having 

what they previously could not

i want nothing more

its all i can think about

at this moment

all i can do 

is pray

be open

look around me

start daily making a difference

in my efforts

the words out of my mouth

my attitude

giving love to those in my life already

and we shall then see what is over the horizon

ukarumpa

the rain makes me dream

awake and sleeping

of days when i was a child 

in a land far away 

when the rain came down

for months at a time

and i walked barefoot

on dirt roads

in handmade clothes 

stepping through puddles

without a care in the world

greenness everywhere

trees as far as the eye could see

grey clouds in the sky

clean air in my head

simpleness abundant

if only such beauty were not just in my dreams...

presently

things have slowed down

by chance

and by opportunity

my brain has started breathing

finally 

the chaos was getting overwhelming

and the peace has been a long time coming

ive put in all the footwork

done what is put in front of me

taking risks

making right decisions

for once

for the first time since i can remember

and all i can think

is that this is who i was meant to be

created to be

supposed to be...all along

i just couldnt face me

the girl in the mirror

all the shame 

the knowledge

of who i was

the decisions made

i couldnt look at it

couldnt let it catch up with me

fearing the pain of reality

numbing

running

dancing with fear

the loneliness

the build up inside

it got to be too much

and now...

the freedom

of looking me in the eye

and those who i love

and love me most

not worrying about their opinions

judgements

living with the knowledge

that i am a work in progress

and im doing the best i am able

and i am succeeding 

at living life

at this very moment

right now.

nite rider

the lights got brighter

as the road widened

suddenly it got clearer

the air

the night

the music in my car

my thoughts

my awareness

the sleepiness went away

i felt awakened

and all i could think of 

was you

not in the usual

sometimes melancholy way

but in a fond sense

warmth filled me

my heart beat

i could hear it

over and over

and i smiled

genuinely

despite the long day

its dust still clinging to me

smiling

as i think of your face

and the way it lights up

when you look at me.

thank you

it comes and goes

ebbs and flows

coursing through me at times

overwhelming me with pure emotion

tears come to my eyes

in joy

and pain

joy...

from your presence

your smiles

your hugs

your love

pain...

i think i bring on my own

not from you

most certainly from my lack of trust

that i once that i had endless supplies of

and turns out i dont

scared of potential, future loss

so much in fact

it immobilizes me

makes it hard to breathe

much less think or speak

i have faith 

that with time

and patience 

and building of trust 

on both ends it seems

it will be different

someday

and until then,

my dearest, darlingest of friends

thank you

for all that you do

and for loving me

the way that i am right at this moment 

not for who i COULD be,

unconditionally.